Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Glasses

A friend, who works as a volunteer coordinator in India, clued me in that the rose colored glasses have come off.

But why? I have found a pair that fit my face so well. I have coddled them with such care, that I have trouble when they droop or, gulp, slide off my face.

I think a lot. Surprise, no. Not my strongest quality. Especially in new terrain.

When I go out alone, with only my thoughts to guide, I can get lost a lot. Pulled in a million directions. Especially when they meet my good friend emotions along the road.

Recently, I have been right in the middle of a nice gooey million direction arena. At times I am not compelled to write in a blog, because what do I write? This last thought or direction? Or the one before that, which was so different? Hmm... I am tired of myself already, maybe I'll take a nap.

Usually I'm in search of the well worn attire of the diplomat. And my rose colored glasses go perfectly. It might make the pain real or felt if I really look at it. So instead, I usually dust off the outfit and put it on. Well, now it doesn't fit all that well. Overwhelm, confusion, doubt, and tears have burst the seams. Also, today it was a nice nudge of isolation.

Here's for more humbling: before school could even begin, I was in the toilet crying. Thinking of some kind of disentary excuse I could pawn off. Because so far stress seems to be translated less easily than digestional issues. Well, in the end, the truth came out instead.

Who knows what will come of all of this? Thank goodness I found out early on, I know little. I have been doing my best. And actually there is a lot of pride and courage behind this little glimmer of light.

Without drooling out all the minutia, it is clear there are some kinks in the dynamics. And there is some relief in knowing that now all involved (myself included) have a better idea of them.

Beyond all this, I recently stumbled upon a chance meeting with a Hindu devotee at the Krishna temple in a neighboring village. I kind of got swept up in the opportunity to travel by bus and didn't return home until late that evening. I am grateful that the currents of life can sweep me up when I least expect it. Land me right in the path of other spiritual women.

For all of the above. I will continue to be honest. I will continue to go slow. As no great decisions are made in haste.

Early this month, my being must have known I would need a little extra backing. I wrote this passage in my journal:

August 6, 2010

Elizabeth, I love you so much. Believe in your being here.
May you continue.
May you continue to rest in God, within, and without.
May you continue to be.
So many thoughts - all the time.
May they be your friend. Not your foe.
May they not tear you up or pull you off course.
May we use them as compost for this beautiful life.
You are beautiful.
We are all here, doing the best we can.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Ups and Downs

A good friend who traveled across the U.S. to move to the S.F. Bay Area said some days she would just go to sleep, if she felt overwhelmed.

I've lived other places abroad for at least a year, so this is nothing drastically new. But somehow feels new again.

Recently I visited a doctor because health issues were popping up. Turns out I have a clean bill of health. However, stress is the biggest culprit for the ups and downs.

Some days are harder than others. May be part of the reason for the recent communication disconnect. I see the roller coaster coming. Or more like ocean waves. Some toss, some lull, some suck me under. And I don't really remember what part of the beach I started at when I surface.

Today sucked me under. Was the fist whole 10 minute period I considered not staying for the duration.

Children, or other humans for that matter, always let me know where I am at in life. Sometimes it is harder than others to be clear about what that means. Or which direction to go next.

So today, I will not leave. I will remember that children acting out has pretty much nothing to do with me. And that stress tears can be healing.

Sharing about it and finding a quiet space, usually lead to some kind of clarity I could not think up on command.

With Love, E

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Worth a Thousand Words...

Our science experiment: can carbon dioxide (air) power a boat?






Two birthday parties in the same evening. Sagri's 11th Birthday was first, then Shravani's 15th.













Scooter with Shruti...


At school. Playtime, and the viewers.


On the left is the students' growing art gallery. Also, they LOVE balloons.


Friendship day. Celebrated August 1st. Bracelets are tied between friends.


The Magdums. My new Indian family. On the left, we are getting Shavani ready for school on her birthday. The right: craft time.


On Saturdays I travel to Nippani, to a youth hostel 2 hours away. I teach an English lesson to the 32 students. The ride there is SO green. This day, we celebrated Laxmi's birthday at the end of the lesson. My heart melts pretty often here. Especially at the amazement that lack of language is only a minor issue.






On the left, is just following a local cell phone commercial advertisement shoot (a random happening, as looking different is good for business). My yoga teacher is on the left. The photo on the right, at the Magdum's. Sino, the golden one, is my new dear friend.



Friendship day. I made flowery bracelets on the spot, as each neighbor dropped in.


These last photos are a mix from around home or at the outdoor market.








For the time being, I may not be carrying on a ticker-tape of the happenings. I am trusting a current internal gravitational pull away from the internet. However, my camera is a near and dear companion, along with my journal.

I am learning to make friends with my heart, my digestive system, experiences of fear and tension, my spirit, and also my community.

I send warm and fulfilling thanks to all of the support sent through the airwaves. Some days as I sense some kind of unwinding, or winding up, I trust it is others' thoughts and well wishing. Just the other day, I pictured some of you. Sitting in my room. Exchanging big hugs. So sustaining.

The days you feel a cool breeze pass you, a strength in your heart, or some restful sleep -- it may be my prayers being sent out. This practice keeps me company more than words could ever explain. It also helps me to realize that love, home, and strength is anywhere I am. Living through the spirit of being.


This last video is a little slice of an evening in the neighborhood. I live in the part of Sangli that was built up in the last 20 years or so. A little quieter and open. In the city center, it is wall to wall houses, history, people, everything. And Sangli is about 10 times the size I had anticipated. About the size of Berkeley, CA -- but feels more like Oakland's eclectic mix (only all of this is in India).



xoxoxoxo