Glasses

A friend, who works as a volunteer coordinator in India, clued me in that the rose colored glasses have come off.

But why? I have found a pair that fit my face so well. I have coddled them with such care, that I have trouble when they droop or, gulp, slide off my face.

I think a lot. Surprise, no. Not my strongest quality. Especially in new terrain.

When I go out alone, with only my thoughts to guide, I can get lost a lot. Pulled in a million directions. Especially when they meet my good friend emotions along the road.

Recently, I have been right in the middle of a nice gooey million direction arena. At times I am not compelled to write in a blog, because what do I write? This last thought or direction? Or the one before that, which was so different? Hmm... I am tired of myself already, maybe I'll take a nap.

Usually I'm in search of the well worn attire of the diplomat. And my rose colored glasses go perfectly. It might make the pain real or felt if I really look at it. So instead, I usually dust off the outfit and put it on. Well, now it doesn't fit all that well. Overwhelm, confusion, doubt, and tears have burst the seams. Also, today it was a nice nudge of isolation.

Here's for more humbling: before school could even begin, I was in the toilet crying. Thinking of some kind of disentary excuse I could pawn off. Because so far stress seems to be translated less easily than digestional issues. Well, in the end, the truth came out instead.

Who knows what will come of all of this? Thank goodness I found out early on, I know little. I have been doing my best. And actually there is a lot of pride and courage behind this little glimmer of light.

Without drooling out all the minutia, it is clear there are some kinks in the dynamics. And there is some relief in knowing that now all involved (myself included) have a better idea of them.

Beyond all this, I recently stumbled upon a chance meeting with a Hindu devotee at the Krishna temple in a neighboring village. I kind of got swept up in the opportunity to travel by bus and didn't return home until late that evening. I am grateful that the currents of life can sweep me up when I least expect it. Land me right in the path of other spiritual women.

For all of the above. I will continue to be honest. I will continue to go slow. As no great decisions are made in haste.

Early this month, my being must have known I would need a little extra backing. I wrote this passage in my journal:

August 6, 2010

Elizabeth, I love you so much. Believe in your being here.
May you continue.
May you continue to rest in God, within, and without.
May you continue to be.
So many thoughts - all the time.
May they be your friend. Not your foe.
May they not tear you up or pull you off course.
May we use them as compost for this beautiful life.
You are beautiful.
We are all here, doing the best we can.